I could outrage. I could talk about appropriate punishment. I could scream my head off. But it is becoming harder and harder. One, because it seems to make absolutely no difference. And second, it only seems to make things worse. Please don't call me a feminist if I raise the issue of safety for women. Honestly, I want safety for everyone. But it is the women who seem to need it more, simply because some men just can't keep it in their pants. And if you have the gall to say it is the woman's fault, shame on you. Shame on you, for blaming the victim of such a horrid crime. Has it ever occurred to you that she could be a woman in your family? Just trying to make a living for her family? Trying to provide YOU with better food, her children with better education, her family a better lifestyle? Did you ever think of asking the scum why he did it? I'll be damned if he ever said, "because she was travelling by public transport after dark."

What would you like me to do? Not work? Wear nothing but Salwar Kameez? Stay locked in my house? Marry young? I couldn't believe my ears when I heard it. One man claims we should never have abolished child marriage. This never happened then, he says. Because all men got to keep their sexual appetites well fed. First off, bullshit. Complete fucking bullshit. You think women weren't raped in the time of child marriages? The only person you are convincing is yourself. So you think the answer to this is to get everyone married. Bravo. Bravo indeed. I recently read an account of a 62-year old woman who was raped and tortured. And the perpetrator of the crime had been married. Twice. Oops. Now what? 

Instead of blaming women and trying to put us all in shackles and cages, do the right thing. Punish them. I am not asking an eye for an eye. If that were the case, I'd be asking for a woman to rape and torture him in public. Maybe enjoy it. Tape it and make a viral video out of it. No, I want you to see to it that he never does it again. If that means you have to castrate him, do it. Uncomfortable? Sure, but doing the right thing always isn't supposed to be a joyride. I'm counting on you, India. I'm counting on you to step up. 

You know it's the right thing to do. You've been thinking about it yourself. But that's the problem. It's all nice and easy to think about. When it actually comes down to it though, it hurts. Like a bitch. And I have nobody but myself to blame for it. Shame. Such a shame, because maybe I could've done something differently. Maybe I could've thought different. Maybe I got too complacent. And worst of all, maybe I deserve this. I could whine about it forever and ever or I could learn from it. Grow from it. Never do it again. But I think we all know what's really going to happen. Let the hurt begin.

Selflessly self-piteous.

There comes a time in life when one has reached desperately new lows. "And how does it feel?" you may ask. You know, if you were an anchor for E! News. Anyway, it sucks of course. And you know what makes me feel worse? The fact that I am a selfish prick for actually complaining about anything! Because, lets face it, I am one of those privileged people who has been given everything she has ever needed on a fucking platter. So yes, I do not really have any right to complain. But, kya karein, dil maanta nahin na! (Translation- but what can I do, the heart doesn't understand!) So I go ahead and let it screw with my head. I get depressed. I cry. I wail. I wallow in self pity. That's the stage I am in right now. Self pity. Yeah it's kinda pathetic. But that's alright. I'll get over this. Only a matter of time. I will also do what I must do. Take control of things. Nobody deserves to feel this miserable! So tomorrow, I promise to wake up with a new attitude. A better one. Till then, allow me to publish to the rest of the world, how self pity really works. (This is where I go on to get some chocolate, look at pictures of dogs and wonder why the world dishes out the most cruel verdicts and people to me and why I put all my energies into them.)

Woofie Chronicles

I remember the first time I saw her. She was squirming around with her siblings, her eyes still shut. Poor things were stumbling around, wondering where on earth they were. We were visiting my mom's cousin in Wayanad then. It was my parents' anniversary that week and I had just about turned 10. I squealed as I saw the whole lot of them in the courtyard. Their mother was still inside, recovering. Seeing my enthusiasm, my uncle let me sit next to them. The next thing you know they were all over me. One little guy was clawing at my shirt, trying to feel the fabric. Another little girl put her furry ear against my foot and got me giggling. This was my happy place - squatting in the sun, surrounded by 7 adorable German Shepherd puppies. We spent a week there probably, I can't tell anymore. All I remember were the pups. I even tried getting to know their mother. She wasn't too ecstatic to see me. One growl and I was screaming for my mom! So I was careful to stay away from the little ones when thy were having some mom time. The night before were leaving, my mom's cousin offered to let us have a pup as an anniversary gift for my parents. Appa said no even before my uncle could finish that sentence. I couldn't believe my ears. He KNEW how much I loved them. Outraged, I started asking why and very promptly Amma said, "We'll discuss this in the morning." 

I was up before everyone else that morning, sitting with the little ones. I couldn't imagine how anyone could say no to these cuties! One of the boys was busy gnawing at my toe, when I noticed it. There she was, a tiny ball of black and brown fur on my lap, slowly inhaling and exhaling. She looked so cute that it took all the strength I had in me to stop myself from tickling her teeny li'l nose. After what seemed like ages, my mum came out and sat with me. My sister is terrified of dogs, so she stayed far far away. We had about 4 hours left to eat, pack up and leave. So i finally worked up the nerve and went asked Appa again. "Shradha, I don't think we can......." and that was all I needed to hear. I started wailing in the middle of their courtyard. Yeah, I'm probably a spoiled little brat, but I wanted that puppy. The one that was snoozing on my lap an hour back. I think the crying lasted for about 3 hours, before my Dad gave in. "Okay!" he said. "Aana, nee thaan paathukkanum. Okay? I'll hold you responsible." I don't think I heard anything after 'okay'. I ran in and  was hopping with excitement as I waited for my uncle. After Amma and Appa had spoken this out and enraged my sister to no end, they came stood with me. 

"Edha eduthukka pore?"

"There was this one girl who slept on my lap. Her ears had brown spots. I want her!!" 

Amma's cousin picked her out for me. I remember him telling me that girls were the best, because they care a lot more than the boys. And that she was going to take care of me. Those were the last words I ever heard from him and I will be forever grateful to him for it. I didn't know it then, but he was right. So there we were, 4 of us in a car with a green picnic basket, 3 huge flasks of luke-warm milk, a plastic bowl and my first love - Lassie. 

How we came up with her name is a whole other story. You'll hear about it soon! 

It's complicated.

No, not talking about a Facebook relationship status. But this kinda applies to that too I guess. Or not.

Relationships are hard. They're confusing. They tend to fall apart, if not nurtured. And that stems from the fact that people themselves are complicated. What is right to you may not be right to me. And one must learn to be patient. It is of utmost importance not to judge, assume or form conclusions. And it is important to not react to situations. Yeah that sounds like you need to be a saint. Yep it's tough! Today I saw a relationship fall apart. And it hurt. Like hell. Today, I had to grow up. I had to act my age. Not because I was asked to, but because I had to. I couldn't run away or hide from issues. I had to face up to it like an adult. I had to step up and say things. And I did. But I also had to watch others do it. It felt so...awkward. These are the people you watched as you grew up. The people that made decisions for you, fed you, threw you up in the air and caught you. Watching them be so vulnerable, kinda shook me. Guess my parents have been kind enough to keep me innocent for as long as possible. And I am so grateful to them for it. I've always had this feeling that people in my family don't give a crap about me, because they never told me stuff or I was the last to know. But I understand now, well atleast kinda, that they did it to protect me. And I won't hold it against them. I can't imagine facing something like this when I was 16. Oh the nightmare. People don't kid about age. You do need to be a certain age to know something, to understand it, to deal with it. So I'm gonna let time take its course. Let her teach me what needs to be taught, whenever it needs to be taught. No point rushing her, no?

Crazy CabRide Chronicles

3.40 am. I'm in a cab with two other sleep deprived souls. The driver is quite the talker. He gives a good speech about 'thus buus' English. Dailamo dailamo playing in the background. Not the kinda tune you'd expect to hear at 3.45 in the morning. And he just told me that he was from Trichy! Wow. Talk about small world.

Anyway so we're two minutes away from our destination, the airport when I realise I had forgotten one of our props back home. We had 20 minutes to check in. The driver said, "avlodhaane Madame. Pifteen minute la neenga thirumbi vandhuruveenga. Naan guarantee." I'm not gonna lie, there were moments when I thought 'this is it. This is your last moment. Ever". Once I thought I saw white light even. It was the craziest cab ride I've ever taken. But bless that soul he actually brought us back in one piece and in 15 minutes as promised! Yeah he was awesome at getting us back in record time. But what struck me about him was his attitude toward life.

Such a happy person. Sometimes they can annoying. I know. But you just couldn't crush his spirit. His wife was studying to become the principal and he had passed his class 10. He was very clear about what he wanted. He wanted his kids to be well educated. He knew his wife could do much better than him, but he was happy that she chose him. He knew that tomorrow was an uncertainty. He only believed in doing whatever you wanted now. "naalaikki nu solli vitteenga na, nalaikki varavevaraadhu Madame. Panradha ippo pannanum." What a man! Must learn from him.

The thing is, I know what he is talking about. I am aware of how it works. But I forget. It gets lost in the smaller things of everyday. That's our problem. We keep forgetting about the bigger picture. That's what we need to focus on. Remember this, at least for today. Go do something you've been thinking of doing for a while now. How about going to the terrace. I haven't visited my terrace in months. I will now!

When I was.

When I was 7, I wanted to be a puppy. When I was 12, I wanted to save puppies. Five years later I couldn't even save my own. One life lesson learnt. When I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was wear skirts and dance till my legs dropped off. I stopped completely when I hit a wall. I should've pushed harder and broken down that wall. Only, I didn't. Another one bit the dust.When I was 16, I was so damn sure that I had what it took be the first ever Indian Idol. Only, I realized a year later that I got my spelling wrong. When I was 4, I thought the tape recorder was a house where little singers sang and danced when we pressed buttons. When I was 18, I realized growing up isn't as fun as people made it out to be. When I was 19, the feeling was reinforced. When I was 20, I had the best birthday surprise ever. And 21 saw me go to Europe and learn a brand new word - inebriation. Never took it too seriously though.

Now I am 22 and so much of this world I have seen, but so little I have learned. Everybody wants to go back in time, visit their childhood, stay there even. I don't want that. Yes, I'd love to be that innocent again. I'd love it if reality didn't suck so bad. I'd be really grateful if I didn't need to think so much. But I do think a lot. Unnecessarily. And I am sad to admit that I am no longer innocent. But life, it doesn't suck so bad. It pushes you around a lot. Throws things at you, for no goddamn reason. But it does all that because you need it. If that effing horrid incident hadn't happened, you wouldn't be who you are now. Everything you ever did or went through, makes you who you are. And be nothing but proud of it.