You know it's the right thing to do. You've been thinking about it yourself. But that's the problem. It's all nice and easy to think about. When it actually comes down to it though, it hurts. Like a bitch. And I have nobody but myself to blame for it. Shame. Such a shame, because maybe I could've done something differently. Maybe I could've thought different. Maybe I got too complacent. And worst of all, maybe I deserve this. I could whine about it forever and ever or I could learn from it. Grow from it. Never do it again. But I think we all know what's really going to happen. Let the hurt begin.

Selflessly self-piteous.

There comes a time in life when one has reached desperately new lows. "And how does it feel?" you may ask. You know, if you were an anchor for E! News. Anyway, it sucks of course. And you know what makes me feel worse? The fact that I am a selfish prick for actually complaining about anything! Because, lets face it, I am one of those privileged people who has been given everything she has ever needed on a fucking platter. So yes, I do not really have any right to complain. But, kya karein, dil maanta nahin na! (Translation- but what can I do, the heart doesn't understand!) So I go ahead and let it screw with my head. I get depressed. I cry. I wail. I wallow in self pity. That's the stage I am in right now. Self pity. Yeah it's kinda pathetic. But that's alright. I'll get over this. Only a matter of time. I will also do what I must do. Take control of things. Nobody deserves to feel this miserable! So tomorrow, I promise to wake up with a new attitude. A better one. Till then, allow me to publish to the rest of the world, how self pity really works. (This is where I go on to get some chocolate, look at pictures of dogs and wonder why the world dishes out the most cruel verdicts and people to me and why I put all my energies into them.)

Woofie Chronicles

I remember the first time I saw her. She was squirming around with her siblings, her eyes still shut. Poor things were stumbling around, wondering where on earth they were. We were visiting my mom's cousin in Wayanad then. It was my parents' anniversary that week and I had just about turned 10. I squealed as I saw the whole lot of them in the courtyard. Their mother was still inside, recovering. Seeing my enthusiasm, my uncle let me sit next to them. The next thing you know they were all over me. One little guy was clawing at my shirt, trying to feel the fabric. Another little girl put her furry ear against my foot and got me giggling. This was my happy place - squatting in the sun, surrounded by 7 adorable German Shepherd puppies. We spent a week there probably, I can't tell anymore. All I remember were the pups. I even tried getting to know their mother. She wasn't too ecstatic to see me. One growl and I was screaming for my mom! So I was careful to stay away from the little ones when thy were having some mom time. The night before were leaving, my mom's cousin offered to let us have a pup as an anniversary gift for my parents. Appa said no even before my uncle could finish that sentence. I couldn't believe my ears. He KNEW how much I loved them. Outraged, I started asking why and very promptly Amma said, "We'll discuss this in the morning." 

I was up before everyone else that morning, sitting with the little ones. I couldn't imagine how anyone could say no to these cuties! One of the boys was busy gnawing at my toe, when I noticed it. There she was, a tiny ball of black and brown fur on my lap, slowly inhaling and exhaling. She looked so cute that it took all the strength I had in me to stop myself from tickling her teeny li'l nose. After what seemed like ages, my mum came out and sat with me. My sister is terrified of dogs, so she stayed far far away. We had about 4 hours left to eat, pack up and leave. So i finally worked up the nerve and went asked Appa again. "Shradha, I don't think we can......." and that was all I needed to hear. I started wailing in the middle of their courtyard. Yeah, I'm probably a spoiled little brat, but I wanted that puppy. The one that was snoozing on my lap an hour back. I think the crying lasted for about 3 hours, before my Dad gave in. "Okay!" he said. "Aana, nee thaan paathukkanum. Okay? I'll hold you responsible." I don't think I heard anything after 'okay'. I ran in and  was hopping with excitement as I waited for my uncle. After Amma and Appa had spoken this out and enraged my sister to no end, they came stood with me. 

"Edha eduthukka pore?"

"There was this one girl who slept on my lap. Her ears had brown spots. I want her!!" 

Amma's cousin picked her out for me. I remember him telling me that girls were the best, because they care a lot more than the boys. And that she was going to take care of me. Those were the last words I ever heard from him and I will be forever grateful to him for it. I didn't know it then, but he was right. So there we were, 4 of us in a car with a green picnic basket, 3 huge flasks of luke-warm milk, a plastic bowl and my first love - Lassie. 

How we came up with her name is a whole other story. You'll hear about it soon! 

It's complicated.

No, not talking about a Facebook relationship status. But this kinda applies to that too I guess. Or not.

Relationships are hard. They're confusing. They tend to fall apart, if not nurtured. And that stems from the fact that people themselves are complicated. What is right to you may not be right to me. And one must learn to be patient. It is of utmost importance not to judge, assume or form conclusions. And it is important to not react to situations. Yeah that sounds like you need to be a saint. Yep it's tough! Today I saw a relationship fall apart. And it hurt. Like hell. Today, I had to grow up. I had to act my age. Not because I was asked to, but because I had to. I couldn't run away or hide from issues. I had to face up to it like an adult. I had to step up and say things. And I did. But I also had to watch others do it. It felt so...awkward. These are the people you watched as you grew up. The people that made decisions for you, fed you, threw you up in the air and caught you. Watching them be so vulnerable, kinda shook me. Guess my parents have been kind enough to keep me innocent for as long as possible. And I am so grateful to them for it. I've always had this feeling that people in my family don't give a crap about me, because they never told me stuff or I was the last to know. But I understand now, well atleast kinda, that they did it to protect me. And I won't hold it against them. I can't imagine facing something like this when I was 16. Oh the nightmare. People don't kid about age. You do need to be a certain age to know something, to understand it, to deal with it. So I'm gonna let time take its course. Let her teach me what needs to be taught, whenever it needs to be taught. No point rushing her, no?

Crazy CabRide Chronicles

3.40 am. I'm in a cab with two other sleep deprived souls. The driver is quite the talker. He gives a good speech about 'thus buus' English. Dailamo dailamo playing in the background. Not the kinda tune you'd expect to hear at 3.45 in the morning. And he just told me that he was from Trichy! Wow. Talk about small world.

Anyway so we're two minutes away from our destination, the airport when I realise I had forgotten one of our props back home. We had 20 minutes to check in. The driver said, "avlodhaane Madame. Pifteen minute la neenga thirumbi vandhuruveenga. Naan guarantee." I'm not gonna lie, there were moments when I thought 'this is it. This is your last moment. Ever". Once I thought I saw white light even. It was the craziest cab ride I've ever taken. But bless that soul he actually brought us back in one piece and in 15 minutes as promised! Yeah he was awesome at getting us back in record time. But what struck me about him was his attitude toward life.

Such a happy person. Sometimes they can annoying. I know. But you just couldn't crush his spirit. His wife was studying to become the principal and he had passed his class 10. He was very clear about what he wanted. He wanted his kids to be well educated. He knew his wife could do much better than him, but he was happy that she chose him. He knew that tomorrow was an uncertainty. He only believed in doing whatever you wanted now. "naalaikki nu solli vitteenga na, nalaikki varavevaraadhu Madame. Panradha ippo pannanum." What a man! Must learn from him.

The thing is, I know what he is talking about. I am aware of how it works. But I forget. It gets lost in the smaller things of everyday. That's our problem. We keep forgetting about the bigger picture. That's what we need to focus on. Remember this, at least for today. Go do something you've been thinking of doing for a while now. How about going to the terrace. I haven't visited my terrace in months. I will now!

When I was.

When I was 7, I wanted to be a puppy. When I was 12, I wanted to save puppies. Five years later I couldn't even save my own. One life lesson learnt. When I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was wear skirts and dance till my legs dropped off. I stopped completely when I hit a wall. I should've pushed harder and broken down that wall. Only, I didn't. Another one bit the dust.When I was 16, I was so damn sure that I had what it took be the first ever Indian Idol. Only, I realized a year later that I got my spelling wrong. When I was 4, I thought the tape recorder was a house where little singers sang and danced when we pressed buttons. When I was 18, I realized growing up isn't as fun as people made it out to be. When I was 19, the feeling was reinforced. When I was 20, I had the best birthday surprise ever. And 21 saw me go to Europe and learn a brand new word - inebriation. Never took it too seriously though.

Now I am 22 and so much of this world I have seen, but so little I have learned. Everybody wants to go back in time, visit their childhood, stay there even. I don't want that. Yes, I'd love to be that innocent again. I'd love it if reality didn't suck so bad. I'd be really grateful if I didn't need to think so much. But I do think a lot. Unnecessarily. And I am sad to admit that I am no longer innocent. But life, it doesn't suck so bad. It pushes you around a lot. Throws things at you, for no goddamn reason. But it does all that because you need it. If that effing horrid incident hadn't happened, you wouldn't be who you are now. Everything you ever did or went through, makes you who you are. And be nothing but proud of it. 

Why you should listen to LTP.

My head is just cluttered with so very many things at the moment. And they aren't pretty. But I'm gonna put it down anyway, because who knows! It might elicit a response somewhere. I might have made some sex offender feel like shit in some corner of the world. So here goes.

I read a blog today about growing up. And I loved it! I have been beating myself up over the past few days, about the Guwahati incident, wondering what it was. What the need was for some people to violate other people's rights.... their privacy. It was ignorance and immaturity in parts. I'm relieved that I understood. That alone has given me a certain sense of calm. I'm not an idiot. I understand that realising why, doesn't solve the problem. But at least we're half way there. And I'm not gonna lie. I'm still scared. I'm always looking at people for what they might be. On the inside. What might be behind that facade, that appearance. And it sucks. It really does. When I'm out on the road, waiting to take a rick, I wonder if this guy is going to be nice to me. I wonder if I should keep a friend on speed dial who can help me out of a difficult situation. I have contemplated buying a can of pepper spray so many times. But you know how everybody had this idea that it will it actually never happen to them? That is what is stopping me. And it's the stupidest idea I've had in a long long time.
And yet, there is some part of me that disagrees. Why should I!? Yes, I sound like a jackass. But it's a valid question. A friend once told me that girls and boys cant be equal. They just can't. And, you know what? That's fine by me. I'm not saying I'm loving it, but I'm okay with it.
My point being, you don't have to treat me like a guy. No please don't. All I ask for is some respect. Respect that I have my choices. Respect that I am also human, with preferences and ideals. Respect that I also sometimes need some recreation. Expecting me to lead my life, fearing that you can't keep your 'desires' in check - kinda unfair don't you think?

So please. Grow up. Educate yourselves. Find a way to educate those who need this kind of lesson. Learn the quality of self control. Its not too hard really. You just need to try it. I'm not asking for a whole lot here. Just asking you to respect each other. Be it man, woman.... Whoever.

That's enough ranting for one day, I suppose.